Your friend has a new kid, now what? If you’re anything like I was before I had my son, you’re not sure how to support your friend through this massive transition. Lucky for you, I learned a few things from the other side that can help.
1. Your friend can (and will) be late; you cannot. Expect your friend to be late to any plans you make. Even if they don’t have their kid with them, they will still somehow be late because of their kid. But that doesn’t mean you can be late. One time, my husband scheduled an afternoon bike ride with a new (kid-less) friend. My husband was clear that he could only go during our son’s nap. On the day of the ride, my husband showed up at the meeting place on time, but his friend didn’t. In fact, he was 25 minutes late and, with a shrug, said, “Sorry for running behind.” My husband bowed out of the ride early to make it home by the end of our son’s nap and complained because he couldn’t finish the ride—his only time to get out of the house that weekend. Be sensitive to how precious time is to your friend right now.
2. Bring food. The most helpful thing you can bring a family who just welcomed a kid is food. After my son was born, my most helpful friend was the one who texted me as she went to the grocery store. “Need anything?” she would ask. Even if I said no, there would be a grocery bag full of turkey sandwich ingredients, Trader Joe’s vanilla wafers, and a bottle of wine on my doorstep an hour later. No explanation or request to come inside. Perfect. You could send a gift card to a food delivery service, or if you’re short on funds, bring them your leftovers. But don’t expect anything other than a very tired “thank you” in return.
3. Help without being asked. If your friend has mentioned it’s been a while since they showered, come over and watch their kid while they wash off. If you’re at a party with them and their new kid, watch their kid while they eat or sip on their drink. If babysitting isn’t something you’re comfortable with, then help out with the household chores that have fallen way down on the priority list. Take out the trash, load the dishwasher, fold some laundry. Don’t let their socially required, “Oh, you don’t have to do that!” stop you. They need the help, but if you wait for them to ask, you’ll wait forever.
4. Keep your opinions to yourself. When I was pregnant, I was given unsolicited advice by people in line at the grocery store, a woman walking past me at a restaurant, and even my veterinarian. Resist the urge to dole out parenting advice. Even if you’re a professional who deals with kids every day, keep quiet. I have a friend who is a speech pathologist and specializes in childhood eating and talking—basically anything to do with a kid’s mouth. Despite this, she never commented on my son’s pacifiers and the fact that they might cause issues with his teeth later on. When I discovered this, I was surprised that she hadn’t mentioned it, but was grateful because I couldn’t take advice from one more person. Your friend knows you and your occupation; if they want your professional opinion, they will ask.
5. Don’t share traumatic stories. Everyone has a story of trauma—whether it happened to them personally, they heard it through the rumor mill, or saw it on the news. There is a time and place to share these stories, and now is not it. When my son was 5 months old, I made the mistake of telling my nightmare of a birth story—44 hours of labor, emergency c-section, tremendous loss of blood—to a pregnant woman at a Christmas pajama party. Months later, I ran into that woman and she told me how I had made her so scared to go through childbirth. Luckily, she had a straightforward delivery, and everyone came out safely. But I had caused her stress and anxiety that she didn’t need. Learn from my mistake.
6. Don’t complain to your friend about how tired you are—unless they ask. You know how you don’t feel great the day after a bad night’s sleep? Maybe you drank too much, stayed up late, or the smoke detector kept beeping at 3am. Now, imagine you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 6 months. And all day you have to keep a tiny, helpless human alive. Know your audience. Would you complain about your 20-minute commute to someone who drives over an hour to work? It’s not that you aren’t allowed to talk to your friend about your problems but considering your friend’s perspective is important in ensuring your complaints don’t fall on deaf or jealous ears. If you are looking for sympathy, talk to someone who can give it.
7. Respect nap and bed times. Sleep is sacrosanct, especially in a family with young kids. This means naptimes and bedtime are non-negotiable. If you invite your friend out and it will interfere with their kid’s sleep, they will most likely say no. If you invite your friend out and show up late or keep them longer than you planned, they will most likely start saying no. You could also hang out at your friend’s house while their kid sleeps. It might not be as exciting as going out, but if you want to see your friend, that might be the best option. For now, suck it up—naps don’t last forever.
8. If invited, go to the kid’s birthday party. Your friend’s social calendar isn’t exactly full these days, but chances are they’ll get their act together enough to celebrate their kid’s birthday. My son’s first birthday party had almost nothing to do with him. It was a celebration that my husband and I had survived our first year of parenthood. We served pizza and booze to some of our best friends and laughed as my son tried (and rejected) whipped cream for the first time. If you’re one of the few adults who gets invited to such a celebration, consider yourself lucky. Even if there’s a bouncy house and hordes of screaming children involved. By inviting you, your friend is saying thank you for being there for them over the past year. Show up—on time and with a gift (for the kid).
9. If you miss your friend, be part of the solution, not the problem. Objectively speaking, new parents aren’t good friends. They don’t have the capacity to be. Kids take up a lot of time and energy and while it may appear to you that your friend has become selfish, they have actually been forced to become selfless. That kid is now the center of their universe and they’re just hoping to not raise an asshole or end up on the news. They miss you, but there’s not much they can do about it right now. If you want to see or hear from them more, you are going to have to be the one who puts in the effort. Show up and keep showing up. Set up a Zoom date during their kid’s nap, take them and their kid to the zoo, or send them a lot of funny memes. Eventually, they will come up for air and will be thrilled to see you waiting for them.
10. Don’t expect your friend to be who they were before—because that person is gone. Was your friend the life of the party? Up to date on celebrity gossip? Always down for an adventure? Well, times have changed. That doesn’t mean your friend is now an official wet blanket; it just means they don’t have as much time (or sleep) as they used to, and their priorities have had to change. Before my son was born, my husband and I loved to eat at restaurants (sometimes with friends, but mostly just the two of us). Brunch on the weekends, drinks during the week, or trying out the hottest new spots. Having a kid made those outings impractical (not to mention expensive!). We occasionally carve out time in our schedules to make it happen, but it’s not who we are anymore.
11. Support your friend through the tough times—there will be many. When my son was 3 weeks old, I had engorged breasts, mastitis, and a milk blister on my nipple, all while still recovering from major abdominal surgery. My son slept an hour at a time between bursts of screaming. My husband was working from home because the partners at his firm had grumbled about him “taking so much time off.” I didn’t know how we were going to get through the next hour, let alone day. But we did. Your friend will go through their own version of seemingly insurmountable obstacles and won’t be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You don’t need to fix their problems or offer advice. Your job is to listen to them vent, yell, or cry about everything. Close your mouth, open your ears, and bring some tissues.
12. Take care of yourself. A lot of people don’t have kids because they don’t want them, or don’t want them yet. But some people don’t have kids because they can’t. If that’s you and it’s difficult for you to be around your friend while they complain about being a new parent, that’s fair. If you want your friendship to survive this time, be clear with them. Tell them you can’t be the person they vent to about every problem with their kid because of your own issues. If they aren’t a jerk, they’ll understand. Try watching a TV show together so that you have plenty of things to discuss outside of their kid.
13. If they’re really your friend, it will be worth it. If they aren’t, cut them loose. Offer your friend grace during this period even though they’re an objectively bad friend. Hopefully, they have (or will) extend the same grace to you during a tough time in your life. If they haven’t and you suspect they won’t, it’s okay to take a backseat and let the friendship fade out. You’re not a bad person because you don’t want to put the effort and energy into a relationship with someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. Most friendships, like most romantic relationships, don’t last forever. But for a precious few, it’s worth putting in the extra effort that’s required when a kid enters the picture.
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